I said a prayer. . .and for now the answer seems to be...it's going to get harder.
I hate hearing that answer...it really feels like no answer at all. Especially when it's my children. I've heard that same answer before...for the past 2 and a half years i've heard that answer.
When i thought, hoped for W that the next milestone would bring some relief from the screaming, the unnamed agony and misery he was in. Drs shook their head "Sorry, we don't know why he's screaming like this". Friends leaving, stopping communications because i couldn't bear another screaming day. I couldn't handle it. My child didn't have a disability, or anything that LOOKED wrong with him, but still he screamed. The answer was No...it will not get better.
But Monday I got a phone call. I had butterflies in my stomach, i answered it after one ring. I has been waiting for this call for days. The peppy voice on the other end a Dr I actually trust...and like. An ANSWER. Celiacs. A huge sigh of relief. Tears. Tears of joy for an ANSWER, but tears for a child who will have to spend the rest of his life with people not understanding why he can't have that doughnut. But still..now we know. It won't change his personality, but i hope, i pray for him that it changes how he feels. A 2 year old can't really tell you that his stomach hurts every day..or a host of other symptoms that would have pointed to it. With him i can move forward.
But where to go with a wee one, who can't do anything but scream to communicate. Here it is again. Me the helpless mom holding a writhing, screaming infant. Wondering how i will fix this. Does anyone BELIEVE me? Do they think I'm exaggerating? Will i loose friends again? Will my marriage survive another miserable child? Why are my babies so tortured? HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN?
Truthfully i scream it all at the ceiling..how can this happen again? I just want to know what it's like to ENJOY the babyhood. To have a cooing, giggling baby that PLAYS with toys next to me as i fold laundry. I desperately want that.
We've tried the hypoallergenic formula, we've tried the soy, we've tried the chicken/rice/veggies diet and still she gets worse. Less sleep each night, more screaming and squirming during the day. Mama growing more tired and burned out every moment.
I want a good attitude. I beg for it. Other mama's have screaming babies and they're still cheerleader perfect peppy. I want to be that. Because i KNOW my life is far from horrible. But my does it wear this girl to watch my babies suffer and i can do nothing.