I don't know what I'm doing. I am out of my depth, in this trial you have allowed me. I need you.
I love my children. My babies. I fought hard to get them here, and yet in my arms, the fight did not stop. No my fight is not like others mom, some have it so hard I can barely breathe thinking of how they fight for their babies. My babies are healthy and well compared to so many...but they still have troubles that their mama can't figure out.
My sweet P is having a hard time like her brother did. So much unhappiness, and pain. I know there must be something I can do, but I don't have the insight...the all knowledge that you do. Give me wisdom to care for her.
Just a few feet from me she tosses and turns, grunts and groans, trying to cling to sleep...something that just so easily gets taken from her right now. Please show me how to help her get rest. Help me to find MY rest, even when physical is impossible, in YOU. I get so frustrated, so burned out. Only You can keep me going.
Heal her belly. I don't know what's causing it, really. All I know is the nourishment my body is meant to provide her in these wee months of her life, are in a cruel twist, making her sick. I can see every day how it makes her feel worse. It heavies and weighs my heart to give her something man-made, even though I know it's best for her right now. I hate breaking that special bond, but i know that it doesn't change my love for her, or YOUR love for either of us, for me to give her the man-made to make her better.
What a comfort to know You can see the other side of this, the outcome, just the same as you see me struggling in it now. While i can only wonder as i try to soothe her, crying and kicking, you see her as her happy little self, without the belly troubles.
Let me not forget how you carried us through this...I want to tell her when she is 2, when she is 4...when she is 16, how good you were to us in these times...always.
Thank you for her world-ending cute smile..if ever the earth could stop moving for cuteness, i am convinced it would have when she first smiled. You MADE that smile, to MAKE my day. And so many others. Thanks for that. When it's hard, that smile melts my frustration, and reminds me of why i will keep fighting.
You are always good.
Amen
I love this...a mother's love is the most beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog from your comment at Moneysavingmom.com. I had to comment when I read this post.
ReplyDeleteI was in your shoes a few years ago, as a nursing mom of a little boy. My second son was more than the definition of "colic", my intuition told me it was more though. I had all of those same feelings you describe here. I cried, literally, out to God for guidance and direction. You know what?! He provided! Please email me if you'd like. My son's issues were the start of our gluten and dairy free journey. God has used our adventure to reveal that Celiac was an undiagnosed disease in my family.
Prayers are with you. Continue to cry out to God. He hears the prayers, and cries, of a Mom seeking Him. :)
You can email me through my blog www.mudpiesandcranberryteagoallergenfree.blogspot.com
I'd love to share my experiences with you and encourage you on your journey.